Help Friends! Today we have a special guest post. My good friend Corey is about to celebrate 25 years of marriage and is sharing what makes a great marriage. I hope you love this as much as I do!
“A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make…and you have to keep on making it.” – Gary Thomas
Hiya! I’m Corey. I’m a friend of Kathryn’s, a mom of two teen boys, a lover of dark chocolate, a scrapbooker, a recent transplant to Minnesota, and a wife who’s married to her high school sweetheart.
I met my husband, Jeff, on the first day of cross country practice in 10th grade. A couple of years later we started dating seriously and this summer we’ll celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. During those 25 years, we’ve had our ups and downs, moved around the country, faced serious injuries and illnesses, and discovered you can love each other more today than yesterday. In no particular order, here’s what I’ve learned about building a happy marriage:
1. One bank account.
All of our money, whether it’s my paycheck or a bonus he gets at work, goes into one account. We’re in this together and all our money is OUR money. It means that we have to agree on how to spend it and that’s a good thing.
2. A hobby or three.
We love seeing movies, camping, and playing board games. Right now we’re having a great time seeing Oscar nominated movies together and talking about who we think should win. (If you haven’t seen The Shape of Water, it’s unusual and beautiful). When our boys were little, they consumed most of our time and energy. As they’ve gotten older, it’s been important that Jeff and I have things in common to do and talk about that don’t revolve around our boys.
3. Agreed upon rules for fighting.
Ours: no name calling, no leaving the house, no dredging up past hurts. Jeff gets the credit for this and it’s made a world of difference. Disagreements are inevitable so knowing what’s in bounds and out of bounds makes sure that those fights don’t escalate or cause damage.
4. 10:1
There’s research that shows that you should offer your spouse ten times as many positive comments as negative ones. We notice the little things we do for each other and call them out every day. When Jeff stopped by the grocery store to pick up my almond milk yesterday, I thanked him and let him know it made me feel cared for. It’s easy to take each other for granted and remembering to express gratefulness for each other feels wonderful!
5. Different is good.
One of the things I loved first about Jeff is that he’s spontaneous and fun. One summer day in college, he came by my apartment on the spur of the moment to pick me up and spend the day at WaterWorld. It was so fun and unexpected! He loved that I’m planful and organized. When we moved from Colorado to Florida for grad school, I rented the moving truck, found us apartments to look at, and did research on our new home state. But over the years the very things that attracted us to each other inevitably drive the other one kinda crazy. He doesn’t put things back where he found them and I get stressed when things don’t go according to my plan. But when I’m facing a difficult situation and can’t see the solution, Jeff can often see it because he thinks differently than I do.
6. Build a support network.
Long term marriages are precious and rare. I’ve found it helpful to talk to other couples, particularly those who have weathered tough times. Over the summer I had a great opportunity to spend time with Kathryn’s in-laws, Kevin & Shirley, and they were generous in answering my questions about how they’ve kept their marriage strong. Marriages evolve over time and learning how other couples have handled challenges has been insightful.
I’d love to hear from you. What works for you? What have you discovered about how to have a great marriage?
