Why you gotta be so rude? Dealing with difficult people.

Have you had anyone be unexpectedly rude to you? Maybe a brash comment at the grocery store, a mean email, or an unkind text.

It happened to me recently and it HURT.

Someone sent me the most unkind email, filled with accusations and name calling. I was SHOCKED!

My emotions flared and I wanted to respond in anger. I had a few choice words I typed up and REALLY wanted to send. Instead, I hit delete.

I chose to NOT reply with an email, but instead, to talk to this person face-to-face.

I really thought we could talk, work things out, and come to an understanding.

Unfortunately, this person was very unkind to my face as well.

You’ve probably been in a situation like this. If not, you may be in the future. Even if you usually get along with everyone, occasionally there will be RUDE people who will shock you with how they talk to/treat you.

It’s a good idea to decide how to respond NOW, before you are in the heat of the moment.

.

After this happened to me, I thought it would be worthwhile to write about some of the best and worst ways to handle a situation or difficult person like this.

.

Here are recommendations for what to do and what NOT to do.

What NOT to do:

1. Don’t respond to unkind words with unkind words

This is hard. When I received the rude email, I wanted to respond with equally unkind words. I had to force myself to delete them. It feels good to write something equally unkind, but it DOES NOT HELP the situation.

.

.

2. Do not gossip about the person with other people

This is also hard. I wanted to share this person’s unkindness with everyone. I wanted to get others on MY TEAM. I wanted to justify myself.

Unfortunately, that only fuels the fire and gets people involved that do not need to be involved. It can make things a BIGGER issue than necessary.

Plus, being known as a person who talks negatively makes you lose respect with those with whom you are speaking. People begin to wonder if you are talking about THEM behind THEIR back.

If you MUST talk to someone, talk to a TRUSTED friend who is UNRELATED to the situation. I talked to my husband and he gave me a hug, validated my feelings, then helped me have compassion toward this person.

,

3. Do not try to get even or get revenge

After this person treated me so poorly, ideas of how I could get revenge raced through my head. (I’m human!!) Again, I took a deep breath and asked myself:

Will acting on this negative emotion help the situation? Will it move us toward a BETTER place?

.

.

What you should do:

1. Have compassion

When a person is mean, we must decide to respond with compassion. We have no idea how their day, their year, or their life has been, or what is causing them to act this way. Repeat the word, “compassion” to yourself (or in your head) as your emotions start to flare.

There is not an easy way to become more compassionate. We become more compassionate as we walk through the fire and practice extending compassion to people who have been rude or hurtful. Fluent compassion comes one decision at a time.

.

2. Try to connect with the person face-to-face. If that’s not possible, pick up the phone and make a call.

When you receive an unkind comment, text or email, it’s easy to want to respond with unkind words. HOWEVER, choose the high road, even if it causes elevation sickness.

.

3. Take a deep breath

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” 

Victor Frakl

.

.

When you are angry and wanting to say or do something unkind, take a deep breath to give yourself a moment to think/pray/pause. Taking a deep breath allows us to get out of fight-or-flight mode.

.

4. Speak and act kindly toward them

Once again – HARD! It’s easier to walk away or respond in anger. However, a smile and kind, calm words are often what is needed.

I find that asking God to love THROUGH me helps when I feel no love for a particular person. I ask for His help and His words when dealing with a difficult person or difficult situation.

.

5. Find something you can ALL agree on

When your emotional responses take the high road and line up with your best self, you kick off a virtuous cycle where your thoughtful responses to difficult people, in aggravating situations, actually make things BETTER!

-Tommy Newberry

.

When I tried to respond kindly, the other person continued to be mean. Ted came to the rescue and I watched/listened in fascination. He brought the conversation up above the current dilemma and found something we could ALL agree on…and coupled it with an assumptive close. The intent was to help us rise above the fight-or-flight mode, and find common ground. He said:

“I think we would all agree that we want a positive and friendly relationship going forward.”

.

Thankfully, we could all agree to that…and it brought some peace in this difficult conversation.

.

.

6. Pray for them

Every time I feel anger toward this person, I try to say a prayer for them. I’m not sure why this person was mean, but I will assume they’ve been hurt or are hurting, and could benefit from a prayer.

.

7. Find a mediator

Occasionally, the ‘unkind person’ is someone with whom you have an ongoing relationship. This is the time to find a mediator. Ask the person if they’d be willing to meet with you at a neutral place, where you could discuss the situation with a mediator. This outside person/mediator can help you understand each other and come to a resolution. You can find a mediator at your local church or counseling center.

.

8. Don’t let their unhappiness steal YOUR joy

If it comes down to experiencing JOY or experiencing the negative emotions we believe we deserve, what’s it going to be?

Tommy Newberry

.

This person’s rudeness completely stole my joy and made me cry. However, I didn’t stay mad. I felt the hurt, then I moved on. I did not hold on to those negative thoughts and emotions. The other person can choose to live with anger, but I will choose to live with joy.

I am CHOOSING not to dwell on the mean words, or take it personally, so that I can preserve MY joy.

.

.

Thanks for reading! Save this post and refer back to it as needed. Though I wrote these words, I’ve had to re-read them to remind myself how to continue to take the high road.

Is there something that helps you deal with rude people? Especially when it’s directed at YOU?! Leave a comment!

Thank you for reading, please consider subscribing.

An EXCELLENT resource in dealing with difficult people is “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. This is a book I could read or listen to every year. I feel like every person should have a copy in their library. Listen to it in the car:

Want more? Read 7 tips for more Joy.

Click here to read the story of a time when my son was getting bullied, and how the situation changed with one conversation.