13 In Family/ Marriage/ My Journey

A letter to my newlywed self

Dear Kathryn,

Welcome to marriage…it’s going to be an incredible adventure that will challenge you to become the best version of yourself. Here are some things to keep in mind as you journey together into the future. Twelve tips for ‘happily ever after…’

1. Please remember that YOU ARE ON THE SAME TEAM!

Don’t try to WIN a fight and don’t get so defensive. Remember he loves you and wants the best for you.

In fact, when you are fighting, instead of trying to come up with all the things he’s done wrong (to justify your anger), think of all the things he’s done RIGHT and it will change your attitude.

2.  Don’t let little things become BIG things.

Don’t fight over something that is fixable. You are going to get mad at Ted for stealing the blanket at night. Don’t get ANGRY, just GET ANOTHER BLANKET!

3. Choose friends wisely!

Be careful about choosing your closest friends. Your friends, and their marriages, will impact YOU and your MARRIAGE! Choose friends who fight for GOOD marriages. If your closest friends are criticizing their spouse, it’s easy to do the same. Choose friends who speak highly of their spouse (when they are around AND when they are NOT)!

4. Get some counseling.

You are coming into the marriage with some baggage. Talk this through with a trusted counselor who shares your values. It will do you, and your marriage, some good.

5. Say THANK YOU!

Be grateful and don’t take things for granted. Thank Ted for working hard, thank him for the things he does around the house, thank Him for his integrity. Thank him for loving you well. Be thankful, stay thankful. Tell him THANK YOU for the big things and the little things.

6. Be your husband’s cheerleader! (Not his critic)

He may not have anyone else encouraging him. Always cheer him on!

Don’t ever say things that make him look bad or mock him in front of others. You are the LAST person who should ever do that, and it will make you both feel bad.

“Be a raving fan publicly but an honest critic privately.” – Andy Stanley

7. On listening…and responding

Listen without formulating a response. Listen to UNDERSTAND.

Don’t say “You ALWAYS” and “You NEVER!”  Don’t blame.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply…seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey

8. The ‘D’ word…don’t use it.

Remove the word ‘divorce’ from your vocabulary. You may want to sleep in another room some nights and work things out in the morning. You are in this for the long haul.

9. Don’t say: “That’s just the way I am.”

We can ALWAYS learn, grow and become better.

10. Always be kind.

Sometimes you’ll be tired or irritated, but you don’t have to be rude. Be kind.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

11. Respect

You were raised in a house full of women and don’t know how important “respect” is to a man. Do some research on this word, and apply what you’ve learned. (Spoiler Alert: Your future involves a house full of MEN)

12. When going through a hard time…keep going!

Tough times will come, fight the problem and not each other. It will get better.

There’s a rainbow in every cloud. – Maya Angelou

Love,

Kathryn –

17 years later, I still do NOT have all these tips mastered. I’m a work in progress.  I’m still softening my rough spots and learning to love Ted. But those are some things I wish I knew from our first day of marriage!

What tip would have helped YOU as a newlywed? Leave a comment!

Most importantly, if you’ve found this post helpful, please share it on Facebook or Twitter.

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13 Comments

  • Reply
    Angie
    November 12, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Wow Kathryn, exactly what I needed to read…thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom!

    • Reply
      Kathryn
      November 12, 2018 at 3:09 pm

      Thank you SO much Angie!

  • Reply
    Mary Tyson Bradshaw
    November 13, 2018 at 6:30 am

    Excellent, excellent, excellent. So true and chock full of wisdom. If only I could do all of these better!!!

    • Reply
      Kathryn
      November 13, 2018 at 6:54 am

      Thank you! We will forever be a ‘work in progress!’ I wish, after all these years, I had these mastered!

  • Reply
    Kevin
    November 13, 2018 at 6:34 am

    Great post!!! When we married we walked in blind. I suggest lyou begin to read the Word, apply its principals, go to pre marital counseling. Learn to understand each other, and walk in forgiveness and patience. Do not have it all worked out, but 42 years later, I love my wife and she loves me.

    It is very important for the wife to know there are two rules in marriage!

    1. Husband is always right

    2. Always refer to rule one when in doubt

    RUN Forest RUN!

    Love you Kat😂😂😂

    • Reply
      Kathryn
      November 13, 2018 at 6:55 am

      LOL! Love you dad! And that’s GREAT advice!!!!

      • Reply
        Kathryn
        November 13, 2018 at 6:55 am

        The top part is great advice…the second part is questionable! 🙂

  • Reply
    Kara
    November 13, 2018 at 10:42 am

    This is such a great post. I have watched you walk this walk, and I’m humbled by your desire and ability to honor God and love your husband over these 17 years. Marriage is not a easy thing – there are so many obstacles to it’s success – but you and Ted have been a beautiful example of how hard work and commitment to God and each other leads to an amazing marriage. It’s all love, love, love and then we get married and it’s work, work, work. I’m not saying that to scare people away from the wonderful privilege of marriage, but I don’t think people often enter this lifelong commitment to another with the understanding that “being one” goes against our core of “it’s all about me, my wants and needs, my importance.” When God created marriage, He wanted it to shape us and make us beautiful – more like Him. He also desired for the marriage relationship to reveal how much He & Jesus love us, are committed to us, and all They gave and continue to give to us. Everyone one of these tips, and more, can be found in His love letter to us. The more we grow in our relationship with God, the better we are at loving and giving to our spouse, children and everyone who crosses our path. Every time I want my marriage to be about me, I suffer because I put myself above Terry; in reality I hurt myself because we are “one.” It’s so hard to remember the true purpose and meaning of marriage, since our world glorifies self instead of God. Your post is such a sweet reminder of the big and little things we can do to make our spouses and marriages stronger. THANK YOU!!! You are a blessing, and I’m grateful for you!

    • Reply
      Kathryn
      November 13, 2018 at 1:53 pm

      Thank you Kara! This is so good! I’m grateful for you!

    • Reply
      Rachelle
      November 14, 2018 at 12:21 pm

      Kathryn such a great article! And I loved Kara’s comment!! Ted is blessed to have you by his side and his cheerleader!

      I would say forgiveness. It can be so easy to hold a grudge and I found I was distancing myself for a period of time to Albert and thank God I felt it is time to let things go and choose to forgive and love. I am so grateful I have and continue to learn to forgive and love.

      • Reply
        Kathryn
        November 14, 2018 at 12:39 pm

        I love that rachelle! That’s a HUGE component of a long term relationship, thank you!!!

  • Reply
    Amber
    November 13, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    Love it and love you my friend.

    • Reply
      Kathryn
      November 13, 2018 at 1:54 pm

      Thank you! Which Amber is this?

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