Raising boys

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One of my sons was getting bullied by another boy on his bus. It was happening regularly until our son told me and my husband. We didn’t know anything about the kid, but I did get his name from my son and emailed the principal to let her know what was happening. We also asked our son to talk to the bus driver.

Soon after, I was volunteering at my son’s school.

My role that day was to interview students for an upcoming field trip to BizTown. BizTown is a place run by Junior Achievement where the kids spend a day working a job, earning money, buying their own lunch – basically acting like a grown up! The kids are excited about it, but they have to first go through an INTERVIEW process to determine if they are “qualified” for the job they are applying for at BizTown.

I looked at the list of the children I was assigned to interview, and I recognized the first name – it’s the kid who bullied my son. I could not wait to see this kid.

As he struts in to the conference room, the first thing I notice is that he’s probably the biggest, toughest looking kid in school.

I reach out my hand and introduce myself. He hears my name and realizes that I’m the mom of the kid he’s been teasing. He gives me a soft hand shake and responds with a quiet, “Nice to meet you.” 

Mama Bear thoughts roll through my head like, “I’m going to make this interview SO HARD for him.” And “I want to ask him why he thinks it’s okay to bully smaller kids.”

But in my heart, I know that hurt people, hurt people. I want to find out what’s happening in his world that’s causing his pain.

I see on his “application” that he wants to work for a specific company and I ask him why. He lets me know its because his mom works for that company.

“What does your mom do there?” I ask.

“Well, I’m not really sure because she has a new job. Her boss was mean to her at her old job.” 

“That’s hard,” I respond empathetically. “Have you ever had someone be mean to you?” 

“Yeah….” he says slowly and stops for a moment.

Tears fill his eyes as he says: “Kids say things that hit me where it hurts.”

And then tears start rolling down his cheeks.

Here is the biggest, toughest kid in school crying.

My heart immediately breaks for him. I find some tissues and tell him that I’m sorry that is happening to him. I ask if he has anyone to talk to about this.  (I’m supposed to keep this interview to 5 minutes and I’ve only asked the first question. I have many more questions to ask and a line of other students sitting in the hallway outside the door, waiting.) 

“Yeah,” he replies, “I have people to talk to because my dad died a year ago and so I have a counselor and we talk about stuff.”

‘Wait, WHAT!? Your DAD died?!’ I think to myself… Oh my goodness! This young kid has been through so much.

Again, I tell him that I’m so sorry. I wish we didn’t have to go on with the interview but I use it as time to really get to know him. I find out that:

• He doesn’t have any brothers or sisters.
• He’s a ‘latch-key’ kid. He gets off the bus and goes home and hangs out by himself until his mom gets home from work.
• He just got a cell phone and loves talking to people on the phone.

“Well,” I replied, “if you wanted to share your number with my son, we could keep in touch with you. You are welcome to walk over to our home whenever you’d like to hang out with our family.” (I know the street he lives on is close to ours because my son pointed out where he gets on the bus.)

His face lights up with a smile, “I’d like that!”

We end the interview on a good note and he leaves smiling.

When my son got home that afternoon he says, “The weirdest thing happened on the bus today. You remember that kid who was always mean to me? Today he asked if we could sit together and he gave me his number.”

“Wow, that’s awesome!” I respond…. “Let’s call and invite him over.”

What started with bullying and then a 5-minute interview,  has led to a friendship.

I realized that I would not have gotten to really know this kid if he hadn’t been a bully to my son.

Our pain revealed another person’s pain.

Our hurts make us more sensitive to other people’s hurt!

If you have a child who’s being bullied, don’t hesitate to let someone know. First, commend your child for telling you, then get a teacher, bus driver or principal involved. And WHENEVER possible, try to get to know the BULLY, there’s probably something missing in his life and perhaps YOU can help!

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Update: This happened several years ago, and the relationship has changed 180 degrees. Since that ‘interview,’ our family has gotten to know this child and his mom. My husband and sons have played lots of football and basketball games with him at the park. He gets the biggest smile whenever he sees me or anyone in our family. One conversation changed the trajectory of the relationship and I’m so grateful.

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Click here to read some ways to react and respond to a bully.